New York

I have no idea if really anyone reads this blog... but it's really about me and my journey with my heart and my butt, hopefully my hearts gets bigger with love and my butt gets smaller. But hopefully my journey somehow inspires others to be real and to overcome their pain with the only One who can heal us, Christ.

Been thinking about my goals... why don't I have a reward when I hit goal? You'd think that I'd be excited to reward myself with whatever I want (non-food related). It’s not that easy, sometimes I just think I don’t even know what I like to do other than youth, eat, cook, or scrapbook. What a bore!

But I was listening to Billy Joel’s New York State of Mind and you know what I decided? I want to go to New York. I want to be able to shop and buy cute clothes, I want a snazzy coat to tool around in New York in with cute boots and cute jeans and sight see and just enjoy the sites with… Phyllis. How fun will that be? I’ve always wanted to go there, and I love experiencing things with Phyllis and so that’s my 70 lb goal!!

It might take a year or more, but a journey begins with a single step.

staying calm

Today’s scripture in my journal…

Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Psalms 85:10

I’m struggling. Not with food, food is easy to control. I’ve got about a gallon’s worth of tears built up ready to go.

God is faithful.

He will not leave me. Even when I’d like to walk away.

I’m tired. Not of eating healthy, because I feel better.

God’s love and His faithfulness are holding me together.

I just pray that soon, His peace will kiss my forehead. You know that you really know that someone loves you when they kiss your forehead. His peace, that’s what I need.

Until then, my insides are ocean waves, crashing in the sea.

Afraid...

Its dumb to be afraid of a scale. But I know that I can do everything right and still not lose weight. I know that it's 'slow and steady' wins the race, HELLO! I love turtles, remember?

I know to eat things that if it grows in the ground or it has a mama (no processed foods), I know to eat small meals, get in my veggies, eat protein with each snack.

I also know that I'm not doing this by myself. I have supportive friends, but mostly I've chosen to lean on the Lord to conquer this! Last week was horrible, and I've said it - For the first time in my life I chose to God instead of food for comfort. It says in Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us, and I know THAT'S me! I'm an overcomer!! But I also know that on my own, I'm weak, I look to God for strength, it says in Isaiah 40:31 that we must hope in the Lord, that we won't grow weary and that He will keep us going (really, you can look it up yourself) and I'm tired. It also says in James 1 that when we face a trial, that we must keep going we must go to God, He will give us wisdom (you can look that one up too).

And then so tell me, why am I focusing on the past and all the times I didn't succeed. I don't want this to be another weightloss, I want this to be a VICTORY! I said when I started this that I wanted the world to look at me and know I'm different that I could overcome this battle with food, but not all by myself. How can you say you trust God for all things but in some things, you just decide to do it on your own (and fail!)?

I need to keep out of my own way, to continue to let God work in me, and yes focus on eating what's right, and getting healthy, but I need to remember that this battle did not start in my mouth, it started in my heart.

Romans 5:5. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

Trouble

I don't know if trouble is the word... but I know it's there.

Being lonely is a big trigger for eating. I often ate alone on the couch watching TV, which is part of the reason I stopped watching General Hospital. That and unrealistic expectations of relationships (seriously, don't cause yourself to stumble in anyway, it's just dumb).

I have a lot of people around me, however, I often feel lonely. I sometimes feel like I have friends and they are real friends, I just don't feel like they are real. They have pretty Christian smiles and they're trying so hard to be positive, they forget to be real. I'm not saying that positive is bad, I'm just saying I don't always believe in fake it till you make it.

Yesterday I went out to eat, made the right choices on the menu but the food wasn't good (note to you... Hula Bowl at Max and Erma's... yuck! I think it was the dressing because the salad part looked good!). Then I wanted to eat something that was. Thankfully I controlled myself because I always say that risk has consequences. And the risk of the french fries has a consequence of a lower (or none at all) weight loss number this week. NO THANK YOU!

My heart is kind of achy... not a good thing when you find comfort in food, but a really good opportunity to reach out to God. To find comfort in Him, which is where I need to go, and I know it.

I've done well so far... 10.2 lbs, jumped over some pretty big hurdles this week. But sometimes when you're standing at the bottom of the mountain and you're looking up and you're only 1/7 of the way there, it almost looks impossible. I know that I have to take one day at a time, one step at a time, but it certainly looks like a long journey! I know, yes, I know, it's worth the view!

Isaiah 52:7 How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

It's Monday EVERYBODY!!

I made this mushroom barley stuffing yesterday! Very good! I could have made half the amount, but what was I thinking… it said serves 8, at one cup each, that makes 8 cups… duh!!

I am having it today for lunch, with sauted spinach, and 3 oz of grilled chicken breast! YUM!! I feel so good when I eat well, sleep better, more energy, and good pooping! Lol!

It’s a new week, keeping my eyes focused on God for whatever comes at me this week.

Got the menu kind of planned out this week, making stuffed peppers tonight for the crockpot, going to use barley in place of rice (it really is SO good and so good for you!!). Gonna add some black beans with my turkey meat and some portabella mushrooms, and use Rotel tomatoes & tomato sauce instead of tomato soup. Trying some new things, I am so thankful that Phyllis is open to eating whatever I put in front of her… just thought of something… what if I stuffed the green peppers with the leftover stuffing and just added a little ground turkey and black beans? Mmmmm…. No that’s what I’m talking about!

Goals...

You've got have goals. Rewards for a job well done. I didn't have a ten pound goal but I bought myself a shirt (it cost $10!!!) I had a twenty and a fifty pound goal established but I think I'll buy myself a new shirt at every ten pounds lost. And at each goal, I'm talking my picture! All rewards must be non-food related

10 lbs - a shirt
20 lbs - Highlights for my hair
30 lbs - new underwear!!
40 lbs - ?
50 lbs - I am Metro video
60 lbs - ?
70 lbs - ?

Gal 3:3 Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?

-2.4

2.4 will have great signifigance.

It was the poundage I lost today but more importantly it represents a week of not turning to food when I felt sad and mad, instead I turned to God in my despair for the first time in my life.

Might not seem like much to anyone but me, but it's huge in my life.

I've said, my issue isn't with food... it's in my mind.

-2.4/10.2 :)