I woke up this morning, at 4:30AM to get to the gym at 5:00 and be home by 5:40 so I could start my day beginning with my workout, which really only included 30 minutes on the elipitical. It really doesn’t seem like much, 30 minutes, but I like it, its manageable in my schedule. Sure, if I had less responsibilities, like I didn’t work or have a beautiful daughter, I could workout more, but really, spending 1-2 hours in the gym 3-5 times a week doesn’t just seem possible for me. 30 minutes seems manageable and something I can do long term. Oh, and did I mention that, at my current size, I don’t like the gym. I’ll admit it, I’m intimidated. I’m intimidated by those who are thinner and more muscular than me, male or female. I have weird things that I call my goals – I want to lose 10 more pounds (by Christmas) before I get some help with strength training at the gym, those machines are crazy, I loved them before but I think I may have forgotten what works what.
Let me also tell you this. Something I am struggling with. Back in the day I was thin, I looked so good, and you never caught me, other than working out, wearing sweatpants, or with roots, I never went more than 6 weeks before my hair was done, it was more like 4 weeks. I really took really good care of myself, I don’t know I believed I was worth it, but I know that I took care of myself, you didn’t find me at the store without a shower and if I didn’t do my hair, it was in a clip pulled tightly back, perfect. It really drives me crazy that people don’t take care of themselves, because I know my heart when I wasn’t taking care of myself, it was more like ‘it doesn’t matter anyway’. It does matter, and they matter!
I am slowly starting to be awakened with love for me. I know it sounds selfish, but I am slowly starting to believe again that I do deserve love, well, maybe I don’t actually deserve it, but I need it. I need love from others and I need to love myself. For nothing more than so I can better love others. The bible says that we are supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves, but what does that look like if we don’t love ourselves? Hmmm….
You see this journey, though it can be found more on my other website http://www.christdrivenmom.blogspot.com/ isn’t about food. It isn’t about food at all. It’s about my heart, its about the condition of my heart. Sure, I love ice cream, and cheese, and chips, and a whole lot of other things, but sometimes I just would seek that stuff for comfort, and that wasn’t good, because hunger wasn’t the problem, so eating wasn’t the solution, and really eating caused me more problems…
For the record, it was hard to get out of bed. I almost just said ‘I’ll go later’ but I got up, and it was difficult, but I do feel better, I have a lot of energy today, as well as a small sense of accomplishment.
Luke 10:27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”